A Survey of Cross Campus, 12:30 pm February 26th 2016

The organisms I have observed can be loosely classified into five genera. A description of each of them follows:

Homo studentus:
Generally walks alone, although sometimes found in groups. They almost invariably wear a backpack. There is a certain Goldilocks uniformity in their gait, not too fast as to project irresponsible tardiness, but not too slow as to indicate a lack of sense of purpose. They put one foot in front of the other - on the way to class, back to their dormitories, and to the inevitable end.

Homo productivio:
Readers may be familiar with this genus from the covers of Yale recruitment brochures. Telltale signs include typing on a laptop, reading a book, or doing any other sort of work. They are especially attracted to the benches strewn throughout the campus, but occasionally walk around the perimeter of the courtyard, talking on their cell phone. When they do get up, they stroll slowly, waiting a beat between steps. I suspect this behavior is supposed to emphasize how much they are reveling in the outdoors. Unfortunately, it actually communicates their fervent desire to be a 19th century Englishperson, living in a society where invigorating walks dominated the social scene.

Homo tardinius:
Travels at a much higher velocity than other genera. When young, the movement might be characterized as a halfway point between a walk and a jog, but when the organism fully matures and truly stops caring about appearances, becomes a fully-fledged sprint. There is something poetic about the sight of a student who wakes up at exactly 12:54 to catch a 1:00 class because they have calculated the commute to be exactly 6 minutes. It’s probably just the copy of Shakespeare’s Sonnets falling out of her bag.

Sciurus carolinensis:
These are squirrels.